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Stop Wishing...

I apologize in advance for the serious nature of this update. Feel free to stop reading if you just can't handle the feels. Are you ready  for this?
Have you ever been in the middle of nowhere, so you lay down in the middle of a field, and you just watch the world moving around?  It's like you are the only still point in the universe.  You are constant and unchanging,  while everything is shifting around you.
That's what I feel like right now. Maybe it's just the new year. I'll have to remember to write 2014 on all my papers instead of 2013. Maybe it's my haircut that I secretly hate, or the sad realisation that I was supposed to start applying for scholarships years ago,  or that my baby brother is learning to drive.
But maybe it's the other way around.  Maybe the rest of the world is static,  and I'm the only one moving. Maybe everything and everyone else is exactly the same,  and I'm the one that's different. Maybe I've changed so much that I don't fit anymore into the niche I've spent so long building for myself. I've accidentally outgrown all my old hiding places,  and now I'm just awkward.
When I went to Nicaragua this last summer I was hoping to find a new niche.  A new place to fit in. I didn't find that,  but I did find an amazing community, full of beautiful people. I love Totogalpa, but I never had that feeling of,  "This is it.  This is the one place in the world where I truly belong right now". I think that's one of the many reasons I'm volunteering with Amigos de las Americas again this year.  I'm still looking for my place.  Somewhere that makes me feel more like me.
Someone once told me that the reason (or maybe one of many reasons) why teenagers are so rebellious, is because they are trying to distance themselves from their previous lives, in preparation for the many changes to come. That the reason why I feel like I don't fit in, is just my subconscious preparing me for the terrors and abrupt changes of college and adulthood. It would certainly explain my sudden fear of attachment,  and why I can't make new friends.
I've had many people comment on my supposed adventurous,  courageous, outgoing,  free-spirited nature. They see my hair or my art or my stories of travel and think,  "Wow, I wish i could do that," or,  "I wish I was young enough to do that," or, "I wish I had the time to do that," or maybe simply, "She must be insane". My answer to those people is stop wishing and start doing (and I am most definitely insane), and in response to the comments on my nature,  I just don't see myself that way.  I see myself as a very lost little soul, just trying to find a home.
Stop wishing and start doing.  You will never find your home until you start looking.
Cheers,

P.S. I know I'm unreliable and all that,  but if you don't hear from me for awhile... I hope you know by now not to be surprised.  I'm probably just busy looking.

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